What do you think of my poem?

Of course this is just my opinion, but I think it's decent. It seems you had some fun with synonyms, and I like the physical theme, but I think this would perhaps work better as lyrics (think Tool). Also, consider using additional commas to punctuate and emphasize certain phrases and lines. Overall, I'd say it is thought-provoking, well textured, and well organized. A solid 8/10. Good work :)